Start Differently, Not Perfectly: Change begins with disrupting a pattern

The first step towards change doesn't need to go well. 

It just needs to be different from what you were doing before.

A dear friend told me that she and her partner are starting couples therapy next week, which of course I am all for.

We were chatting over text and I was about to write, “I hope it goes well," but I didn’t. Instead, I found myself saying “That’s great. It’s the start of something different.”

Because here’s the thing: I don’t believe the first step towards change needs to go well.

This might be an uncommon perspective, but it’s one I’ve come to trust deeply. We’ve been taught that change requires the right plan, the right insight, or the right outcome. That the first attempt needs to prove itself—otherwise, why bother?

But real change doesn’t begin with solutions. It begins with disrupting a pattern. 

So many of us get stuck in analysis paralysis because we think the initial move has to fix the problem—or at least confirm that we’re “on the right track.” We treat the first step like a referendum on the future. And when the stakes feel that high, it’s no wonder we freeze.

What actually matters is much simpler: The first step only needs to be different. 

Not effective. 

Not perfect. 

Just different.

From there, something subtle but important happens. Energy shifts. Information appears. Your inner authority responds. The situation responds. You begin to orient yourself from inside the experience instead of trying to solve it from the outside.

I see this clearly in my work. I’ve been supporting a client who is navigating a challenging co-parenting relationship. She knew from the beginning that something needed to change, but she felt overwhelmed by the belief that she had to have it all figured out: the communication, the power dynamics, the solution.

When I asked her what she actually wanted, she said, “I want to be able to say no. I want to say, “This doesn’t work for me anymore, and something needs to change.” But that felt impossible. Her nervous system didn’t experience boundaries as safe.

So we didn’t start with scripts or strategies. Instead, we started by building safety around the idea of having boundaries at all. Safety around saying no. Safety around trusting that she’s allowed to disrupt the status quo. 

Instead of shouldering the responsibility to come up with a solution, she chose one small, embodied experiment: saying no when it truly felt like a no.

That was enough to begin breaking the pattern, and to take an intentional step forward. 

When something ahead of you feels like a mountain, it’s easy to adopt a defeatist mindset: “Why try? Nothing will change. I don’t even know where to start.”

But clarity doesn’t come before movement—it comes from it.

Sometimes the only thing you need to know is that you don’t want things to continue as they are.

This is why I often say that life is an experiment. Not in a careless way, but in a deeply compassionate one. Experiments don’t guarantee outcomes. They invite curiosity. They allow you to gather data without attaching your worth—or your hope—to the result.

What if your next step isn't meant to solve anything, but just to disrupt the current pattern and open the way for something new?

You don’t need the whole plan. 

You don’t need certainty. 

You just need one step that’s different. And from there, the path tends to reveal itself. In fact, it always reveals itself.

If something in your life feels stuck or heavy right now, I invite you to pause and ask yourself: What would one small, intentional step look like—not to fix this, but to move it forward?

Let that be enough for today.